The Miscarriage Story of Preston James Gipper

Trigger warning: infant loss, blood……..

I took a pregnancy test on April 5th, 2022 and it read positive. I was excited because I had had a dream a few months prior that showed me giving birth to a little boy with dark hair. He looked a lot like Abby, our second, when she was born. Chunky and dark headed. 

Fast forward to April 22, 2022 when I began getting nauseous all day. By my husband’s birthday on April 26, 2022, I began throwing up and couldn’t stop. Hyperemesis Gravidarum had struck again. I got on some medication that stopped me from throwing up every day but didn’t stop the nausea. I spent about six weeks in bed and couldn’t do anything. I had friends help with laundry and watching the kids.

I hired Emergence Midwifery to be my midwives. Since one of them was a Certified Nurse Midwife, she could prescribe me medication for the HG as well as postpartum meds if needed. I also appreciated that they came to my house for every appointment as it was impossible to leave my bed most days. They came several times to give me IV’s full of vitamins and that did help with the nausea and kept me from throwing up as much.

On June 11, 2022 I took a gender test to see if we were really having a boy like I had dreamed. It came back on June 16th, and confirmed boy! The kids were excited, mostly the girls. Landon wanted to keep his only boy status :)

The day before the results came back, I felt good enough to go with my family to free swim. I had my husband snap a photo and share on Instagram that every time I felt pretty good, I worried if baby still had a heartbeat. Since I’d already experienced a miscarriage, it was always the first thought. Usually I’m very sick until 22 weeks or so, and at that point I was almost 14 weeks. 

On June 21st, I had an appointment with Caitlyn, one of my midwives. When she used the doppler to try to find baby’s heartbeat, she couldn’t find anything. She tried several times for a long time. Since we had previously heard his heartbeat, I knew something was wrong. 

I went to my friend’s house, Janelle, the next day. She owns an ultrasound company, Reflections From Conception. This was our first ultrasound with this baby. It was apparent that baby didn’t have a heartbeat when he came on the screen. She thought he was measuring about 13 weeks and confirmed it looked like a boy. I was very sad and cried most of the drive home. 

Not only would I not get the homebirth I wanted, I was so sick this pregnancy for so many months for no reason. There would be no baby to take care of at the end of this. 

I started miscarriage herbs on Sunday, the morning of June 26th. I took them for two days, then got really sick Wednesday with what I thought was food poisoning. But then Trevor got it a few days later so it must have been a GI bug. The herbs didn’t work, and neither did the homeopathy I tried. 

My midwife Nancy thought it might be good to switch my care to a midwife who could also accompany me at the hospital in case bleeding got out of hand with the medication. Their earliest appointment was July 5th. Trevor and I met Keli at MomDoc in San Tan Valley. She answered all our questions and had me do another ultrasound. This time they thought baby was measuring 12 weeks instead of 13. That meant that he had been in my body without a heartbeat  for 5 weeks since I was now 17 weeks along. Keli gave us the option of starting Cyrotec at home since the hospital would only allow a Dilation and Evacuation (D&E). This has a greater risk of baby being born incomplete, or in pieces, so I knew I didn’t want to do that. Keli prescribed the medication, but the fax didn’t go through to Costco so I asked her to send to Walgreens instead. When Trevor went to pick it up, the pharmacist told him that Walgreens had banned all medication for miscarriages or abortions, despite living in a state that didn’t have those rules. 

Keli sent the prescription back to Costco the next day, Wednesday July 6th, and Trevor brought it to me in the afternoon. I took it at 3:30pm while the kids were at free swim with Trevor. I  felt extremely heartbroken to take the medicine and a little frightened. I felt like baby knew he just wanted to stay with me. The medication had to be inserted vaginally so I had to lay down afterwards for it to absorb. 

Everyone came home and had dinner, and then I took the second dose at 7:30pm. At about 8:15, I started getting crampy and needed heating pads for my back and stomach. The cramping got more intense and I managed the pain with Magnesia Phosphorica, a homeopathic remedy. At about 10:30pm, I asked Trevor to give me a Priesthood blessing. He blessed me that I would emotionally and physically recover quickly. I started bleeding immediately as he finished the blessing and got up to use the bathroom.

Luckily I asked Trevor to grab the strainer I bought at Goodwill for this purpose and put it in the toilet before sitting down. Lots of blood and clots flooded out of me as soon as I sat down. Then our baby was born at 10:45pm. He was attached to the cord which was attached to the placenta still inside me. I sat there for 30 minutes and couldn’t get the placenta to release. 

We called my midwife Caitlyn and she suggested coughing and putting slight pressure on the cord but it still didn’t budge. I noticed I was bleeding a lot around the clots that were hanging out. I started to feel a bit light headed and asked Caitlyn to come, even though she was an hour away. Trevor ran to the store for saline solution because I wanted to preserve baby’s body so the kids could meet him in the morning. I cut the cord so I could get in bed without him being attached. Trevor came back home and we did a photo shoot of the baby. He was very tiny and perfect. He didn’t look like he had any chromosomal abnormalities. Everything was fully formed and he had his hands up under his chin and his ankles were crossed. 

Caitlyn arrived around midnight and checked my bleeding, heart rate, temperature and blood pressure. We decided to use a speculum and forceps to try to remove the placenta as it wasn’t in the tissue I had already expelled. If she could remove the placenta, I probably wouldn’t have to go to the hospital. I had experienced severe birth trauma in the hospital with my first baby and didn’t want to go back. 

As Caitlyn used the speculum and forceps, it was extremely painful. I started losing a lot of blood despite taking Shepherd’s Purse which helps prevent blood loss. I was cramping severely as well and started asking Trevor for homeopathy. 

Caitlyn started an IV as was feeling dehydrated after she finished trying to remove the placenta. My body started shaking from the hormones and blood loss. I used Gelsemium sempervirens homepathic remedy to help the shaking. The contractions got really intense and painful. I used Arnica 200ck for the pain. I started to pass out and Caitlyn had me smell alcohol swabs which brought me back. Then I felt really heated in my face and threw up. We decided to go to the Ironwood hospital in San Tan Valley since I continued to get lightheaded. 

Trevor packed a hospital bag and carried me down the stairs (I was mightily impressed). My seat in the van was put down all the way and I put my feet up on the dash. We left right before 2am. It was a 40 minute drive and it was pure torture. I had to keep smelling alcohol so I wouldn’t pass out. 

When we arrived at the hospital we had to go to the Emergency Department since it was after  hours. They brought out a wheelchair but I knew if I sat up I would pass out again so I asked for a gurney. They put me in the wheelchair and I passed out completely. When I came to, everyone was staring at me and I had forgotten where I was. 

They moved me to the gurney and wheeled me into a room. I was hooked up to the monitor, blood was drawn, and another IV was attached to my other arm. I explained to the doctor what had happened and then Keli, the midwife who I had met the day before, came with her student midwives. They were very comforting and supportive. An ultrasound technician came to do an ultrasound to check if the placenta had come, and it was so painful to have the wand smashing my uterus while cramping. Every time I would cramp I would feel like passing out again from the pain. They finally told me I need a Dilation and Curettage (D&C) to remove the placenta. 

I had always been opposed to the procedure which is why I did the medication at home. I was concerned about the risks. I also didn’t want to be put completely under with anesthesia as my body doesn’t process it well. So I had a moment of crying and Trevor came next to my bed and stared into my eyes and that helped me feel a lot calmer.

The anesthesiologist came in and stuck a patch behind my ear and that’s the last thing I remember before waking up. I woke up with oxygen in my nose, a very sore throat, and automatic leg massagers on my legs so I didn’t get a blood clot. I didn’t have anymore cramping in my uterus and was very grateful for that.

They started the blood transfusion after I woke up after the D&C. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I saw Trevor asleep in a chair next to me. They started the second bag of blood and I continued to drift in and out of sleep.

Finally the transfusion was finished and I was discharged immediately after. Someone wheeled me out while Trevor got the car. When I got in the car, I looked in the mirror and laughed at how swollen my face was. My lips looked like I had gotten Botox! I remember looking at the hospital doors and realizing I didn’t have anything to show for the birth process I had gone through, just a lifeless baby waiting at home in saline solution in our fridge.

Trevor and I were both hungry so we stopped at Kneader’s for french toast and they were all out. Trevor got pancakes but nothing else sounded good so I didn’t get anything. 

My friend Jess checked in then, and I responded to her, lamenting how sad I was that Kneader’s didn’t have any french toast. She sent me an UberEats order of 3 servings of french toast for me and the kids! I was so grateful.

We arrived home around 8:30am to some confused little kids, wondering why they had a sitter when they woke up. Trevor and I crashed into bed while the kids took advantage of screentime. The rest of Thursday was a daze in and out of sleep while trying to take care of three kids. 

I wanted the kids to be able to meet Preston before his body deteriorated. So that evening we had the kids sit on the couch and we brought him out to meet them. The girls wanted to hold him. Landon looked at him from a distance but didn’t want to hold him and the experience made him a little emotional. The girls talked about his cord, and touched him and said he felt like jello. My mom came over as well and held him.

I set up a play date for the girls and Landon for the next morning. I had called several cemeteries to see what options we had for burial or cremation. I wish someone else could have done it instead of me. There was a cemetery that did burial for free before 20 weeks gestation so I made an appointment with them for Friday morning. 

Trevor and I went to the appointment. They had a general area for burial for miscarriages with unmarked graves. We could purchase engraving on the community headstone for $50, so we did that. They gave us a tiny casket with a padded blanket in it and told us we could decorate it with the kids. I asked if we could bury him that day, mostly because every time I opened the refrigerator door and saw his little body floating in the saline solution I felt extremely sad. 

They said they could squeeze us in the afternoon at 1:45pm but we wouldn’t have a pop-up tent on such short notice. We agreed to the time and went home to get the kids from their play dates to get ready. I was exhausted at that point and had to lay down for a nap.

It was a solemn moment as I got ready for my baby’s burial. Obviously it’s not something I’d ever imagined doing. We decorated the casket together after taking pictures of baby Preston in it. The girls really enjoyed helping with that. We picked up my mom and drove to the cemetery.

They did put up a pop-up tent because it was just too hot and there were chairs and cold water in the cooler for us. We started off with singing “I Am a Child of God” together and then said a prayer. Trevor had prepared a scripture and a small talk. He talked about how Preston had gone early to prepare our spots with Heavenly  Father and that we would see him again. He cried when he talked about the things the kids would have taught him, like Landon teaching him all the boy things, and Abby playing with him and Cara giving him bottles. We named him Preston James Gipper after my childhood friend Preston who passed away from cancer as a senior in high school.

Then we each sprinkled a handful of dirt on the grave and said goodbye. As we got back in the car to drive away, I felt awful for leaving him there all by himself. I wanted to dig his little casket back up and take it home, but knew that wouldn’t solve anything. 

Since the burial I vacillate between peace and absolute heart-wrenching grief. Usually the evenings are much darker for me and I spend too much time crying about circumstances out of my control. There have been several tear-filled nights and Trevor tries to help me through them but I can’t explain the reasons for the tears or how he can help.

My midwife encouraged me not to lift more than 10 pounds and stay in bed for 5 days, 5 days around the bed and 5 days around the house. But miscarriage is a different ball game and there aren’t many people that understand I gave birth and need help. I’ve had to ask for help and that’s never fun because I recognize people have lives and I don’t want to be a burden. I think it has felt kind of lonely because if my baby had lived, my church family would be bringing meals and setting up childcare.

My throat is finally healed from intubation but I can’t sing yet. My neck that felt like whiplash is better now. It doesn’t burn anymore when I pee. I can only stand up for 10-15 minutes at a time until I feel too dizzy and need to lay down. So my house is a disaster and my kids are screen zombies. My hips are cracking when I roll over in bed so things are still tightening back up. My uterus has a pang in it that showed up when I tried to lift my toddler to put her in bed. I’m still taking several homeopathic remedies and I took the ultra strength ibuprofen from the pharmacy once.

I have an appointment with the hospital midwife in a few days for an ultrasound to make sure everything looks good. I’ll probably need to be checked for postpartum depression again and hopefully I can find a natural remedy for it as I really hate taking SSRI’s. My chiropractor said my body is doing exactly what it needs to do to process everything. I’m very grateful for the strength of my body especially after struggling so much with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I am so glad I’m not feeling so sick anymore.

I visited Preston’s grave on Sunday, after leaving church early so I could avoid any conversation. I felt responsible for his death, even though cognitively I know that I can’t be sure. I think of all the medicines I was taking, the way I wasn’t able to eat or drink properly and wonder if I hurt him. I think of how I yell at my kids sometimes and wonder if  God maybe saw me as an unfit mother for this precious soul and took him back. I apologized over and over at the cemetery as I felt these feelings and wondered if they were true. He didn’t deserve not to live and I hope it wasn’t my fault. 

I’m very grateful for the group of midwives I had working for my good and respecting my desires for this birth. They never tried to push me to go to the hospital. I will always recommend Emergence Midwifery with Nancy Pol, Caitlyn Laney, and Kayla Padgett as well as Keli Amparan with MomDoc in San Tan Valley.

I hope this experience teaches me how to treat people after miscarriages. I hope I will offer them babysitting, meals, laundry service, grocery pick up, or money for any burial costs or hospital stays or food. I hope I find additional gratitude for my living children and I stop taking the time with them for granted. I hope I become a more present mom for them. I am grateful for getting the chance to have Preston at home, even if it wasn’t the homebirth I had planned. And I’m so grateful the kids could meet him and for Trevor being an absolute rock and support as I went through all of it. We have definitely grown closer together as a result of this experience. 

We love you always and forever, Preston James, and can’t wait to see you again.

If you’d like to contribute to our medical expenses, my Venmo account is @Emily-Gipper or here is our GoFundMe: Gipper's Medical Bills . Thank you for all of your loving kindness and support ❤️