How to support someone after miscarriage
It’s been four weeks.
Four weeks since we held our lifeless baby. Four weeks since I passed out in the hospital parking lot. Four weeks since we buried him in the tiniest casket I’ve ever seen.
Four weeks is a short time, but it feels like eternity.
I can’t count how many times I’ve apologized to him. Apologized for not getting to keep him. Apologizing if I had done something to cause this. Apologized in case it had hurt when he died. Also apologizing that I had to leave him in the cemetery all alone. Sometimes I want to go dig up his little casket and take it home where he’s safe with all of us. But I know that wouldn’t do any good.
My two daughters meeting their baby brother.
I know miscarriage is common, but it’s not discussed much. I didn’t know what to expect with my first one. I also didn’t realize the level of grief I’d experience with this second one. So I’m sharing my experiences with the hope that it will bring comfort or understanding to those experiencing miscarriage and those who are supporting them.
If you’re in the position to be a support to someone after a miscarriage, here’s what NOT to do.
The least helpful comments were these:
“God has a plan for him and needed him more than you.” (Yes, God has plans. But I needed him and wanted him. You don’t know what God wants for my family.)
“Let me know if I can do anything.” (That is a nice thought. Please suggest things you’re willing to do, and I’ll take you up on any that I need.)
“What can I do?” (I’m too tired/hurt/emotional to tell you what I need. Please suggest things you’re willing to do, and I’ll take you up on any that I need.)
“I lost a baby too…” (Usually I’m grateful to learn about your loss, but I’m too involved in my own right now to offer sympathy. I need some time.)
“It wasn’t your fault.” (How do you know? I don’t even know that.)
Radio silence. No texts, phone calls, emails, messages. NOTHING. (You ignored me, even as my ‘friend’ or my family member, and didn’t do or say anything to acknowledge the life that we lost.) It’s true that you learn who your true family/friends are when you suffer a loss or a trauma.
The most helpful comments were:
“I read Preston’s birth story, thank you for sharing.” (You used his name, you read about him, and you thanked me for being vulnerable. This is all extremely validating to me.)
In a text, “I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to respond but just know I care.” (This takes all the pressure off of trying to think up an appropriate response. Thank you.)
“Can I keep the kids or bring you dinner?” (Absolutely, they need something fun to do to process as well and I am in no place to provide that for them right now.)
“I just sent you a Venmo/Zelle/gift card/UberEats for a meal or groceries.” (You’re amazing, you don’t realize how much we don’t want to think about cooking (or dealing with lack the energy) or how bare the fridge is right now.)
“I know you had to spend some time in the hospital, here’s some money for whatever insurance doesn’t cover.” (It’s not fair to lose my baby, and it’s doubly unfair to have to pay for medical care after loss IMO.
“I sent you a gift in the mail.” (Whether it’s a card, jewelry, artwork, or a check - this was so wonderful to receive.)
“Can I come clean your house for you?” (This one is hard to accept, but in my case we REALLY needed it as I had been too sick to do it for several months.)
“Can I set up a GoFundMe page for you?” (With medical expenses, this was so helpful.)
“I’m singing at church on Sunday, and I’d like to dedicate a song in Preston’s memory.” (Thank you so much.)
“I brought you flowers, where can I put them?” (Thank you, they are beautiful.)
Humans are so diverse and our needs are all different. My needs during this time might not match someone else’s during a miscarriage. However money and food are never a bad idea :)
I acknowledge I’ve been bitter, even angry, at being ignored by friends and family. I asked for help from several and didn’t get it. Yet people who I didn’t think were very close to me, stepped in and offered support in their absence.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, what helped you? What was unhelpful? Please share with me - I want to understand.
~ Emily
